I haven’t been able to get warm

My body is a graveyard of everything I used to be / there is ownership I can swear I used to have / the more you say a word the less real it sounds / mine / mine /my body was once mine / I don’t remember anymore / I tell my therapist that I sure am blaming a lot of my problems on my sexual assault / like that was the marker of before and after / the carving on my headstone / but the truth is there is so much and I have always been as soft as first fallen snow / just as impressionable / all these footsteps have left marks I don’t know how to cover up anymore / there are so many parts of me that have become foreign / how do you spit out an anger that is melting you in an unreachable place / and time doesn’t heal anything / in the sense that if you make me talk about it now / my words will be just as broken / just as slippery ice cracking down the center / just as flooded lake / just as / did you really think the winter could protect you from drowning? / Soon I will be 21 / someday I will dig up my own grave / because 15 year old me is just as alive as she was 6 years ago / the past doesn’t stop living when we want to kill it / I have always been as impressionable as first fallen snow / but there is more of me to come / the clouds are just waiting

 

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